Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Always 🥴
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah