If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
You Might Also Like
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Sharon, call the vet
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.