Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock