crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Breaking news:
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.