Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Weirdos gonna weird.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.