I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Wait for it
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied