home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song