The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.