Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.