[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Good morning
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.