Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You Might Also Like
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
This is why I hate group projects
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.