This made me smile…
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH