Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I don’t get marriage
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.