my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it