[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”