Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’