Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
She puts the hot in psychotic
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[eulogy]
line?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)