My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
A choir of Spring onions
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target