It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
oh shit
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.