*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault