Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
synchronized noseblowing
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.