Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
This makes total sense…
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”