I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
set yourself free xox
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.