hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.