Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna