A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Catering service
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.