My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok