*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
one of
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
🤣🤣🤣
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will