I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.