At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”