doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My daily affirmation
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.