My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.