inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You Might Also Like
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
#winning
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
SCARY COSTUME
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again