“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
A leaf blower, but for people.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
It’s the weekend y’all
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable