nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.