Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
You Might Also Like
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.