*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!