Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao