I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You Might Also Like
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*