Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
You Might Also Like
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.