Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My birth announcement for our third baby
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.