wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
my dad when a sex scene comes on
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.