asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
You Might Also Like
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
that de-escalated quickly
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Big Sex has us all fooled
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.