my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
You Might Also Like
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.