Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”