Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
getting corrected
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.