If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Human are so complicated
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I wanna be friends with this person