Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.