My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Doggies just call it style.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.