[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead